I love my parents, but I don't trust them.

Awkward.

I know they love me, but I still can't trust them.

I need to find myself an independent job, so I'm no longer working for my Dad. I need to move out of home. And then I'll tell them.

And if I find that it's okay, that I could have told them earlier, I'll be sorry I didn't, sorry I wasted so much time and mental pain.

But, where I am now, I can't take that risk.

I haven't even really told them I'm an atheist yet, though they do know I'm asking lots of questions and no longer trust the answers provided by the Watchtower Society.

It's a mess.

Why do I want to tell them? Because I can never have a proper relationship with them until I do. I may not have a proper relationship afterward, either, but with a bit of work it should grow back. I hope.

Why do I want to tell them? Because until I tell them I can't explain why I so despise the Watchtower Society. They taught me to hate myself. I can't forgive that.

Why do I want to tell them? Because I want to tell everyone else, and I owe it to my parents to tell them first.

I do want to tell everyone. Not directly, perhaps, but I want to stop hiding who I am. Go to at least one Pride parade (depending what I see there, I may or may not go to more).

I have never seen an openly gay couple here. I've seen gay couples kissing once in Madrid (Atocha Railway Station, if you want to know) and once in Dublin (in St Stephen's Green on a warm day). It matters to me to see that, and to see everyone else ignoring it. It's no big deal. It should be no big deal. And yet it often is. Gay kids. Gay teens. Confused and lonely. They need to see that there's a place for them in the big wide world. They need to see they can be happy. I almost feel it's a duty for me to be publicly gay, and publicly happy.

One day. One day.

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I wrote this for a messageboard, and then decided to put it also on the blog.

Choosing to be Gay

Does one choose to be gay? It's a fascinating question, and many people feel that a great deal rides on the answer. If homosexuality is a choice, they argue, it is permissible to restrict the civil rights of homosexuals, and to encourage homosexual (or 'pre-homosexual') teenagers and younger children to 'turn straight'. (Some of the methods used to achieve this end are quite nasty.) On the other hand, if homosexuality is 'hard wired', they should be nice to homosexuals.

James Dobson of Focus on the Family, in his book Bringing Up Boys, disagrees. He argues that the morality of homosexuality is not dependent on whether or not it's a choice. Dobson is a charlatan, and Bringing Up Boys is a collection of pseudoscientific nonsense (the chapters on 'pre-homosexuality' are, anyway), but on this issue he's right. Homosexuality does not harm. In certain circumstances, indeed, homosexual acts may even increase the sum total of human happiness. I can find no logical reason for labelling homosexuality as immoral; and this conclusion does not in any way depend on whether or not it's a 'choice'.

For the record, though, homosexuality is not a choice. Gayness, however, is.

Homosexuality is an orientation. You're homosexual if you're sexually attracted to persons of the same sex as yourself. Gayness is an attitude of mind. You're gay if you can say so, even to yourself, without wincing.

I found myself homosexual, and chose to be gay. The alternative was to be self-loathing. Some people (Ted Haggard* and Larry Craig spring to mind) seem to have taken that option.

* "There's a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it for all of my adult life."